Shenanigan: Beastliness


Those of you masochists who have read through the archives of this neglected little blog may have stumbled upon a little essay about movies in 3D. So of course, when my friends invited me to go see Disney’s 3D edition of Beauty and the Beast, I had my qualms. After all, special editions of movies (especially to shoehorn in some new special effect) are in danger of falling into what I call “the Lucas Pitfall.” Given that Belle is my favorite of the Disney princesses,* I was reasonably leery of, say, a plot rewrite in which Cogsworth is actually a Prussian spy or something.

Luckily, things weren’t as bad as I’d feared: it was the first 3D movie that I could sit all the way through without getting a motion-sick headache and having to take the glasses off. And the animators did a sort of pop-up storybook effect in the opening that I thought was rather neat.

And I wound up writing extra lyrics to the Gaston song**, to be sung after he goes toppling off of the castle:

No . . . one . . .
Falls like Gaston!
No one splocks like Gaston!
No one gets impaled on jagged rocks like Gaston!
See the life from his body is separating!
My, what a stiff, that Gaston!

“When I was alive I’d eat five dozen eggs,
So I’d grow up horrendously vast . . .
But now that I’m dead I eat NO dozen eggs,
Since a ghost doesn’t need a repast!”

No one lies like Gaston!
No one dies like Gaston!
No one’s corpse attracts hundreds of flies like Gaston!
We can set him in poses humiliating:
Go for spread-eagle Gaston!

* It’s true. I mean, Belle is intelligent, clever, and curious; she has a good relationship with her father; she’s pretty without being overwhelmingly glamorous; and when she gets cornered by wolves, she doesn’t just wail helplessly until the Beast saves her—she picks up a stick and wails on them.
** With apologies to Alan Mencken.

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  1. #1 by Melissa on 29 January 2012 - 9:13 PM

    LOL <3

    Just… LOL!!!

    I'm glad we got to go see it together! Man I loved that movie. :D

  2. #2 by Wanderer on 31 January 2012 - 1:24 AM

    I always gave them extra points for tat song. Do you know how rare it is to find an in-meter use for the word “expectorating”?

    • #3 by Luprand on 31 January 2012 - 2:01 AM

      A feat reminiscent of Gilbert and Sullivan, certainly. Or at least Stephen Sondheim.

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